Yeah don't do that again, it's typo-land towards the end

Nice car! Is it going to be the same color too?

A new car is always great...

I like the car. Very nice. Is it a Hybrid? 

I too am an ex-smoker. And any time I even think about starting up again, it grosses me out. Even with my other hobbies, it's not the same as cigarettes. Cigarettes taste so terrible and chemical. And the smell lingers forever.

How much longer until you go back to work?

Lovely car. Hope it gives you a pick-me-up.

Yes, it's easy to fall into that "hoping that friendship might lead back into something more" idea. But if that's what she's hoping for, as long as you're firm in keeping it at a friendship level, she'll catch on eventually.

When do you go back to work? It might help to be busy with work again. 

and you'd better watch urself otherwise i'm gonna get all black on u too! lol

whats happening? you haven't updated a whole lot and I'm kind of worried about you. hope everything's going all right. :(

I've found that medicine helpful in the past, too.  I'm like you in trying not to use it but being on antidepressants to get through tough times is not a bad thing.  You probably won't need to be on it forever...  Psychotherapy with medication is the best treatment for depression... 

I hope you feel a whole lot better soon.  :) You also have your friends at MDD behind you :)  Hang in there... ;)

I am looking forward to meeting Chuck Palahniuk!  I'll be posting about it tomorrow!

I hope that the medicine helps and I hope that you are feeling better soon.

Glad you enjoyed the entry. I've just been so flooded with memories the past few days.

I can't drink a Mountain Dew without thinking of you, now! My Husband said I should ship you some! LOL. I wonder if they would be explosive by the time they reached you?

I'm glad you are going to go on the 'ol anti-depressants. I resist them, too. I know for me, it takes a lot to break down and go get them. But they always help. I hope they help you, too.

Maybe getting back to work will help you. It will help start a new chapter and a routine. I don't think the time off has been as beneficial as one would expect it to be. ?? Maybe??

Whoa, what's up with the comment below?

I totally disagree as you've taken many different steps to help yourself out of it. It just hasn't clicked yet and I hope the meds help.

As for the ex GF, make sure she's not staying friends because she has a thing for you. Some women tend to do that... But then again if you made things clear it's not completely your responsibility.

OK enough from the empty bag of advice ;) Take care!

 oh shut up. no damn thing in the past made that happen. its obvious that you don't wanna do a damn thing about your depression for real. its getting kind of sickening.....

yeah, that's what half of me is saying, just so you know.

Ah, that's sad to hear but yeah, probably the right thing to do. You do need friends more than a girlfriend, I guess.

I wish I had a bag full of good advice...

Hubby likes the Dew too. I'm not much of a soda person; I'll crave Coke when eating pizza, that's about it.

I don't know if you guys have alternatives there, we have the "non brand", I think yellow mellow is one of them...

Well, the case isn't very much advanced. The mother won't talk and police found out everything she says is pretty much a lie so even if she did, that wouldn't help much. She refuses jail visits from her family now. Police is clearly looking for a body though, rather than a missing child... They scouting the woods with cadaver dogs, and ponds around the house.

How's that for cheering you up?

Striking certainly goes on at my work!  This is the second strike inside a month.

Rant is a bit different from a lot of other Chuck Palahniuk books in that is is science-fiction, but a lot of the common Palahniuk themes and elements are still present and correct.

Hey...  ah... Mountain Dew - so you don't have Pepsi products over there??  Pepsi makes Mountain Dew.  I am not sure what a substitute would be - do you have Vault energy drink?  I think it tastes a bit like MD but if I remember right , I think Pepsi makes it... :)

Now I need to go listen to that Nick Cave song!

Hang in there, my friend.  :)

[GirlSupernova]

Hiya,

Nope - I live on the East Coast - Maine - the one that is in the upper right corner, bordering Canada.  And... I live in a remote area - practically on the Canadian border... so you didn't come close! ...and you probably wouldn't want to... it's pretty remote.  Lots of moose, woods, lakes...  far from civilization.

You did go to some cool cities.  I've been to San Fran twice and really liked it.  I would love to go back. 

Chat later...

Regarding your comments on my diary...

Yes, I mostly just needed to put it all out there in black and white. For me to look at and accept.

I play the martyr so often, that I forget that I am still very selfish in some areas.

Isn't it amazing how confused one can become, about their own life and relationships? When it seems so easy to size up other people.

Reading that entry from the stand point of pretending it's someone else diary, which is what I often do. It was like... "Oh my God... what a spaz. No wonder her marriage is failing."

I am creating a lot "negative behaviors" in my Husband. I see that now. And I am working on it. I suppose doing things like e-mailing him the video for Kate Perry's "You're So Gay" is funny... but not very nice. He feels like he has to be a hard-ass to impress me. Because that's what I like. But... he takes it too far, and I don't enjoy it when he becomes cold and unfeeling. And I suppose the same is true of how I act, and how he feels.

So many things run in these kinds of vicious cycles... LOL.

OH! Mountain Dew is awesome, isn't it? It's additive to everyone. I can't believe they don't sell it there. The other colors are new, and they mostly all suck. The green is what we've always had. Here we have all kinds of generic versions of it. Not sure what you have there. Do you have Mellow Yellow? It's close, but not quite as good.

[waytoomuchtime]

Mountain Dew is full of caffeine. I think it has more caffeine than any other soft drink (except for one of those crazy ones that hype the caffeine up on purpose so you can get a Jolt!). So maybe you just need to drink tea or coffee until you can break the habit.

I hope the counseling helps.

I think you're right not to open that letter from your wife. Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can hurt you to the very core. Wait until you feel stronger. And then, consider burning it.

What you write is so close to the sadness that came on me last night as I drove home from Joe's house. Maybe being with someone who seems so devoid of emotion isn't so good for me, even if he does help stave off the loneliness.

You describe it well. My ex isn't the person I loved anymore. He's different. Maybe our divorce changed him, or maybe it's been the time since then. But he's not the man who I loved and who once loved me so much. So what I miss now is not really him. It's the life we had together.

That life is gone. What has replaced it is sad and lost. In spite of everything I do to try to be happy, to stay busy, the inner peace of knowing where I fit in in the world isn't there anymore.

I have a life now and so do you, but we look back and we remember the stability, the grounding, and the love that we had when we were married. It's so hard to find that again, after we've been through the withdrawal of the life we had and lost. After it's made us feel so much sadness. I've heard from many people that it can be found again with someone new. I'm not sure of it. But I want to believe it.

As for your mother, I don't think it was her leaving that affected you so much as it was her absense. It's wonderful that you had such a loving, good father. But that's only half of the equation. So it's not what happened 31 years ago. It's what happened since then.

You and I have to keep looking for a new life. We have to keep believing it can be found, even if we're destined never to find it. There's always the hope that we will one day. If there's hope for a fat 55 year old woman with health problems, there's certainly hope for you.

I enjoyed the musical journey. Claire de Lune has always been one of my very favorite pieces. And Ren and Stimpy reminds me of my goofy, fun-loving ex.

Very nice music selection; I bet that puts you right in a mood...

This is all very tragic. Like the person who commented below, I can't understand un-mother-ish mothers... We have a missing child case here in Florida -maybe you heard of it, it made it to international news. The mom may have killed her -maybe on accident- but there's no hard evidence of that. But still, her kid is missing and she's smiling in jail and acting like nothing's going on other than the fact that she's in jail, and she's pissed off about it, but zero concern about her little daughter... She's incredibly self centered. Ugh.

Anyways. I hope you get yourself pieced together again. I'm not for meds, but if it helps put you back on track and maybe get a new life going with the new girlfriend... I don't know.

*hugs*

Everyone always seeks for happiness at one point in their life. But I know that you think you've somehow failed in keeping ur (soon to be) ex wife by not providing enough love, enough money, enough happiness for her. or something like that. ive got more thoughts to tell you, but i have to head off to work. just know that im wishing, hoping, and praying for the best for you.

later

I'm delighted to see that you live where you live. I've been there only for a week; rented a flat near Peter's of Sloan Square; spent most of my time in the theater district. At the time my wife's knee limited our mobility. If we went today it might be my knee. I wish we had made it there when we were younger, but then we wouldn't have had our son to serve as tour guide.

Sometimes I think about "what if my Husband and I divorced, right now." We would have only been married for 5 years. That sounds so insignificant. When you consider that I expected to be with him forever. It makes something that seems so huge... such an enormous part of me... seem so small. And even if you look at, as we were together 10 years... still I may not be the "love of his life". And that is how I felt for so long. 

I haven't gotten over the shock, of realizing that he doesn't love me like he used to. That things have changed in a way, that I never thought could happen.

I keep hoping that we'll find a "new" love in each other. But the outlook seems bleak, right now.

I'm not uplifting at all, am I? I'm sorry.  

I really like Chuck Palahniuk!  I've read most of his books and I'll be seeing him at a book signing on Satuday.

I'd heard that Choke was coming out as a film.  I think it should be out pretty soon.

No, you didn't come very close to Atlanta. I guess the closest would have been St. Louis. Plus, my dad got his medical degree there, married his first wife, and had his first son, who I never really got to know. In fact, I didn't even know about him until I was 20.

It's a big country. I've lived 50 out of my 55 years here and really only know a small portion of it.

Looking forward to your pictures.

It sounds like you went to some really interesting places!

Good to see you back on again!

Chicago is about 2 and a half hours away from me. I can't wait to see your pictures.

Chicago was only ONE STATE AWAY! wtf? you should have come to see me! that's totally not cool. Jerkface! anyways, i'm glad i scare you, that means that i can manipulate you somewhat...>evil grin<

anywho, glad to see ur back. Missed you tons!

Boy, I guess you can't run away from your life... I hope you sort it out.

And I hope that you did have a good time over here. I love the "barren" parts... it's like my "happy place" although I wouldn't like living there :)

So glad you are back! Which is sort of weird, since you were physically closer, before. Ha ha... anyway... I'm glad you enjoyed America. I am sorry that the trip itself was not as enjoyable as it should have been.

We do love the accents!

where the hell have you been? how dare you think that you can run away and not update on here anymore! lol. glad ur back, i've missed you

UPDATE MORE THAT IS A COMMAND

I'm not reading between the lines, but I'm reading. And I'm thinking you know what you have to do. I'm thinking your trip happened the way it had to happen, as most things in life do. It didn't go as planned, but we are all mice and men running in the same wheel. You saw some things, you got away, and you realized you have to, need to, want to come back. This is progress.

Your girlfriend will understand as long as you keep communicating and being honest with her. She may not like the outcome.. but who can tell at this point? Hopefully, she's going into this with her eyes open to a guy she must know is still recovering from a life sent askew and who won't really be ready for a relationship until he finds his way again. But you can both enjoy your trip and your time together in the meantime.

Life is so often a series of "in the meantimes", but most probably at some point or other, a more definite path will present itself again. There's no reason why you can't continue to enjoy the journey until it leads into a direction that makes you feel more settled and content.

Hope that's a bit clearer than mud. It's the best I can come up with.

Thanks for your comment and your well wishes. I'm still unsettled, too, but trying to enjoy the ride as much as possible. I'm still "in the meantime". But life happens here as much as it does when I'll get to where I want to be again. If I ever do. It's a goal, anyway, and we all need goals to keep us moving. The trick is to define the goal.. to have one and to keep redefining it as time passes and events unfold. Having a goal means we have hope that we'll get there eventually, maybe even faith that we will, if we can muster that.

It seems the therapy is helping you know yourself and where you've been in the past, which is a good foundation for figuring out where you want to head for and where you hope to be in the future. Identifying the beginnings of the end of your marriage is a positive step. A baby step. We can only get anywhere in baby steps. I see that my baby steps have led me far past the beginning of the end of mine. Maybe I can even see the end of the end of my marriage and my relationship with my ex, which has been going on way longer than it should. But I'm not sure any more than you are. And I have 4 years to your 1.

Let's keep plodding along, OK? I'm glad I'm part of your journey and that you're part of mine. Hope you'll have a great trip across this big country of ours. May you meet many friendly Americans, just like me!

I take great joy in letting you into my private world. And I am pleased to provide any kind of support or comfort for you.

God knows I need someone to appreciate my insanity.  

What you are saying makes perfect sense. Missing a life not that life. There is NOTHING wrong with that. I could NEVER pull up roots and travel for months on end. I was ready to cry after 3 nights away at camp!

You've been so unsettled for so long. Frankly, I didn't care for the side of you that was a Capable World Traveler Extraordinare. Made me want to puke. I like the you that is a little more insecure and venerable.  

I hope you enjoy your trip to the U.S.

And I am pleased that you have been spending more time here at MDD. Can't wait for you to get back.

I sit here stumped, wishing that I had some beautiful comment that would soothe you. But of course, I don't.

I was worried that I was being too blunt, the other day. You hadn't said anything and I feared that I had offended you. I hope that is not the case.

I am sorry that you may be travelling with someone who you don't have a future with. I guess the easy thing for me to say is "Have fun in the moment and don't worry about whether this will be a lifelong relationship. Just live in the moment." But I myself, couldn't do that. So I'd be an ass to tell you to. And I'm busy making an ass out of myself, getting dressed up like some kind of middle eastern call girl for a Rabbi at Vacation bible school. LOL.

[waytoomuchtime]

I really liked the Saw films, especially the first one, because it was so original.  I'm looking forward to seeing the latest one!

I'm a big Batman fan and I'm really excited about the new one coming out! 

I hope that everything goes well with your trip to America. 

I'm glad to hear you're still coming to the US. How does the new GF fit into all this? Is she being supportive, does she know what's going on or is she too new to share this stuff with? Is she still meeting you in Uncle Sam's country?

Alright, enough of the non-couch questions. Just nosy :)

*hugs*

[Folle Avoine]

Hi, it's great to see you on here again!

I did really like Zodiac.  I thought it was a very good film, and kind of disturbing - especially since the case was never actually solved.

Good luck with everything and I hope that things are going okay.

Best wishes. 

To have been a child who was left by their mother, and to have grown into a man, who was left by his wife... that is no easy lot. These are two major relationships that have ended in abandonment. And I just hope that you know that you have a right to feel... however you feel.

I think that sometimes we feel think we have no right to sit and moan about our hardships. We always hear that everyone has a messed up life, and we are encouraged from birth to think of all the people who are worse off than us. And somewhere in all of that, I think we start to feel like we have no right to feel badly about anything...

My wording isn't going as well as I'd like it to, but hopefully you're getting the point. LOL. Feel validated Tommi, that's where I am going in this. Just feel validated in your feelings.

[waytoomuchtime]

Resolution is a good word, too. It's important to resolve old issues so that you can move on from them. Sounds like you'll be working on that. Good luck with it.

Abandonment is another good word. I have abandonment issues, too, even though I was never abandoned as a child. I guess you can pick up new issues at any point along your path, but when they hit you young, they're much harder to overcome. When you're little like that you can't understand. Maybe you'll come to understand as an adult and that will help you resolve.

Have you ever tried to understand why your mother left? Not all decisions like that are because someone is a bad or uncaring person. People usually make those decisions for reasons of survival. Sometimes they just aren't able to cope with responsibility and have to leave that to other people. Not to try to excuse her, but I do think that understanding why she left can help. I have mother issues, too. She didn't abandon me but she had very deep problems. She drank too much. Maybe that's a sort of abandonment, too. But I forgave her long ago.

Forgiveness is probably the best word of all.

I'm glad to be part of one of the constants in your life.

Hope you'll enjoy your trek across America, land of the free!

It's been 4 full years for me since I left my ex and I still have issues about it. Then again, I'm not one who can deal with counseling. But these kinds of issues.. the ones that involve the very core of your soul because of how you identified and defined yourself for so many years (as husband in your case and wife in mine) don't go away the instant your world tips sideways and you have to find a new path to sanity. They take years to resolve.. many years.

Maybe there's a silver lining to your not going on that trip. I don't know what it is, but you may know one day.

You're not a f*** up. You're just a man who's still in pain. Someday the pain will go away (almost).

Well, I think we're all f*** ups to a certain degree... and if we're not by nature, life at some point will do it for us, kindly. Reminding us of our humanity and f***edupness.

Hopefully counseling helps. Can't hurt.

Good luck :)

Some people move on faster than others. I've had to deal with this fact, too. The one who moves on the fastest doesn't always win, though. At least I like to think that's true. You and I probably loved deepest. It hurts more that way, but it also means we're capable of deep love, and that, in the long run, may mean something to someone someday. One can at least keep hoping it might, anyway.

Good luck on your continuing journey!

I re-watched Schindler's List because of you

Yeah, I can imagine your feelings about that bit of news about your wife. Ugh.

Luckily you're still in travel mode and hopefully this will be digested quickly...

Happy more traveling lucky friend!

Uh... what a blow. I don't know how I would feel in your place. It's a strange feeling no doubt.

But I'm glad to hear from you. And I'm glad that you are off on more adventures after your respite.

Take great care Tommib!

What an amazing opportunity. To be there. I can imagine that it would feel very strange to be there. To know what happened there, and to be standing on that soil.

I think it's good that you are going home for a few weeks. And I can understand the "why". I think it's a good sign. It's good to have the freedom to go, and still miss have a reason to miss home.

It sounds like you've been having a very eventful time!

The Dr. No radio adaptation was a new one with Toby Stephens as Bond and David Suchet as Dr. No.  The play that Bob Holness was in was a version of Moonraker. 

Everything's okay with me, thanks, and I hope that things are going well with you. 

That must have been an extremely emotional experience. 

That would hit me like a ton of bricks. I bawl everytime I see Schindler's List, but being there, man, I would probably bawl the whole time. The children is the worst part, not that there is a "better" part. I can't even fathom, it's too much.

I feel terrible asking you this on this entry but you're here so rarely nowadays...: what's a cheeky fizzyhog?

Enjoy the rest of your trip and update more ;)

It's a wonder you're getting on here at all! Good to hear of your progress, both on the trip and since a year ago. Even though there are lonely times I can see the trip is doing you some good.. probably just what you intended it to do. To give you perspective on your life. To grow in areas of independence and confidence. To widen your horizons. To give you new appreciation for what you have at home. To boldly go where you have not gone before (you are a Trekkie aren't you?).

I'm very fond of hindsight. I don't find it a useless exercise. I like to hope its lessons can help guide future decisions. Although some things don't really matter, others do. And that's my two cents worth.. which seems to be worth less and less each year, but never a negative number.

Sounds like you are in a much more exciting place this year, hmm?

I can't wait to hear more details, when you get home, or when you have time!

Take Care Tommib!!

I think it's awesome that you can still update! I was worried you wouldn't :)

I have been to Berlin once. I loved it! Loved the history of course. So heavy... but it's been almost 20 years now.

It's nice you have friends meeting you along the way. Keep enjoying the good times!

Thanks.  I'm doing okay.

Hope you're enjoying your travelling.

I envy you the things you're seeing, but I understand having trouble being alone. But you have so much to see and visits from your friend and girlfriend to look forward. Keep us posted and don't worry about the comments.

Congratulations on making it out of the country and on your way!

You're not 42 by any chance, are you?

I accept your apology!

Honestly, I am just pleased that you have found a way to keep in contact, at all!

Enjoy your journey!

Good to hear from you Tommib! I'm glad you're enjoying your travels!

[waytoomuchtime]

So very awesome! Take pics for us! Can't wait to hear of your adventures!

I like the comment made about the Labor to the birth of new man, VERY NICE! I like the ring of that. Well put.

[waytoomuchtime]

I really liked the book of Name of the Rose. 

Hope you have a good time in Germany!  I've never been there. 

Your trip is like labor to the birth of a brand new man... except nicer and not as gooey  Yay, I'm so glad we get to follow you!!!

*Drumroll*

Don't overthink it

Thanks!  I always like to have some variety with what I read and watch.

I hope that your feeling better about things soon, but I'm sure that you will. 

[BeingMe997]

It's definately a new start. Which is scary indeed. 

Sometimes it's good to really feel the pain. Maybe feeling it is part of the healing. And I don't think that is ever a done and over process. We are at all times... a work in progress.

As for the new lady friend... I doubt you've promised her anything more than you have given...

I honestly think it's better not to have the connection anymore with someone you had such a connection with but it failed and there's no repairing it. If you still had the connection, you would have to work even harder to sever it.

Wishing you a safe, productive, exciting, interesting, and cleansing journey, tommi b.

It is an odd thing. To have such a connection with someone  and then having them become a 'stranger' to us.

Someone who you would avoid, or pretend not to notice, if you ran into them at the grocery store.

But there was a time, when they knew your deepest secrets.

It's bizarre. There is a song that reminds me of that feeling... I don't recall it at the moment.

Maybe later.

I believe in letting it roll. And let it roll, I shall.

I feel like going travelling myself. 

The good news is you can update from your phone!!! Hooray!

You'll be fine. You'll come back a better man and you will not regret having lasting memories burned into your mind forever -well, til you die.

The "butterflies" are good :)

I stumbled upon 50 best travel quotes... http://www.bravenewtraveler.com/2008/03/07/the-50-most-inspiring-travel-quotes-of-all-time/

[Folle Avoine]

That sounds so great...

OK, I'll designate myself as the American West travel expert... From San Francisco, drive to Yosemite (get an annual pass there for all the Parks), then Sequoia Natl Park (this will take your breath away, this is my #1 Park), then Death Valley, then Las Vegas (even if that's not your thing, there's really no other way...) Go see Grand Canyon, because it's a must. Depending on the season, there may be a lot of tourists, but it's still worth it. Then go on to visit more National Parks. There is a cluster of them in this area... I would suggest Monument Valley (which is actually on the Navajo reservation, so technically not a National Park) then either Arches to the North or Mesa Verde to North East (both good but different depending on your taste). Mesa Verde is ancient human settlement, Arches is natural. Take I-70 through Colorado and pass through Rocky Mountain National Park (my old diggs). Then on to Chicago, not much to see from then on. Drive as fast as you can through Nebraska or Kansas... Same from Chicago to Philly. I'm not familiar with that area, but I'm sure you can find interesting places. Maybe some Amish communities in Pennsylvania?

Man, I'm all over it... You have to go to Internet Cafes and update us, poor souls working our asses off for peanuts while you have the dream vacation :)

I would love to give you some suggestions for your visit. However,  I've traveled so little myself, I'm not much help.

I envy your journey and the courage that it takes to travel alone, on a somewhat unplanned adventure.

I can only imagine that it will be amazing. I would love loads of pictures!

interesting

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